I've changed so much

I created this blog to have an output  for all that's going on in my mind and hopefully I'll continue to use this blog. Where do I even start...well I guess I'll start at when I was young. I first got diagnosed with ADHD when I was in grade 3and my doctor right away put me on medication for it. I was on that medication(concerta) from the age of 7 till I was 16. That's 8 years of being on medication which barely even helped me and caused me to not be able to sleep at night. I remember not being able to sleep till 2 or 3am almost every night. It was brutal and now that I'm off it I wish that I would have stopped taking it a long time ago. I remember feeling so stupid all the time and felt like I was weird and different because I was on medication. Anyways going back to grade 3 at the end of grade 3 I decided to change from a private school(christian school) to a public school because I was being bullied. Little did I know that I would be bullied even worse and more brutal at my new school. I didn't always hate school but once grade 6 started I got bullied more and more. I remember coming home upset  so many days because of another stupid rumor about me and stuff like that. Flash forward to grade 9. By now my brother had gotten aressted for shoplifting   And was into drugs(weed) I was soo upset everytime I would hear about my brother smoking weed again or stealing again etc. by November of my grade 9 year I started to become depressed. At first I just thought I was feeling sad because I started at highschool and I didn't know anybody at the highschool and my brother was causing trouble like I said earlier... But that wasn't it. I started to become more and more depressed as the months went by. Now it was march and I started getting suicidal thoughts. Also in march I started cutting myself. I remember the first night I did I was soo scared and upset and honestly wanted to die... I remember thinking about cutting and thought why not.. Maybe it will help. So I cut on my wrist and It honestly did help... I remember just feeling a sense of calmness and I liked the fact that I could control my pain for awhile. I had so much inside pain I felt inside I just felt so empty and couldn't stop the extreme sadness. So when I cut i felt the physical pain and it numbed the pain inside me for awhile. After that first time I honestly couldn't stop. I would cut a few times a week and I kept doing this.oh and this whole time my dr kept trying different antidepressents eith me but none of them would work and most made me worse. I think it was around the end of march that my parents found out about me cutting. I felt so ashamed and guilty but I didn't want to stop. I would stop for like a week and then cut again. My mom took all the shavers and sharp stuff she could find and locked it up but I would still find something to cut with always. Ok so it's June now and exams were like 2 weeks away. It was then that my suicidal thoughts came all day almost every day and night.. I decided to talk to the school nurse about it and she calls my mom and told her that she needed to take to me the hospital because I was at risk of killing myself. So my mom took me to the hospital and I talked to a physiatrist and dr but they didn't admit me into the hospital and told me to come back and they would reassess me in a few days. When the few days passed and the reassessed me and admitted me into the hospital. To be honest I thought that being in the hospital watched would help me a lot and that when I would get out I would not have suicidal thoughts anymore and be happy again but that didn't happen. I spent the whole summer in and out of hospitals for suicidal thoughts and cutting. The start of grade 10 I spent a week of September and a week again in November in the hospital. When February came I was doing really bad...I was cutting more and wanted to die more than anything . February 15th, 2012 (still my grade 10 year) I attempted suicide.  I had a bottle of Aleve(naproxen) in my bag for when I had cramps and backaches. Well I was extremely depressed that day and couldn't concentrate all day and just didn't think straight because I was soo depressed and suicidal. I ended up taking too much Aleve and got taken to the hospital and they made me drink charcoal a lot of charcoal...it settles your stomach and absorbed all of the pills I taked. I ended up staying in the hospital for 2 weeks. The first night I was in the hospital the nurse had to stay with me most of the night because my heart beat went up and down a lot and my blood pressure was extremely low.  I got out of the hospital and nothing changed.i still felt like shit.. Pardon my language but but that's how I felt. I'm April I attempted again and this time I took a whole bottle of  Advil.... I was again in the hospital for 2 weeks. Now it's almost a year later and I haven't attempted again but  it's been the hardest trying not to and fight the urge  to kill myself again. It's been so hard and even though I feel like dying almost everyday I guess it's the look on my brothers' and sister's faces when they saw me in the hospital those times I attempted I will never forgot. I will never forget when my brother first heard I was going to the hospital for suicial thoughts and ran downstairs crying and hugging me and telling me to never give up that I couldn't give up. I have hurt them soo much by my attempts and the past few years of my depression and I know I'm not better at all but I'm not going to ever try to kill myself again because I couldn't do that to my family and ad much as I think they hate me sometimes..I know they love me so much and I love them so much. So no my life is not perfect not even close. I've been having a really hard time lately and it's hard to feel like there is no hope lately in my life but I know that I am stronger than I was 3 years ago when my depression started. That's all for now